then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
