omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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