Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
