just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
