I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
