I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
