Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
