i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
where are my eyebrows?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
