girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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