i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
