I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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