I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
