so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
