Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
