why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
