my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
