We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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