birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
