Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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