My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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