I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Im part way to drunk.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
