Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
