My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
