You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
