Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
