My hand turned me down
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
