Three words: puerto rican gang bang
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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