my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
