Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
