i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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