i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
