I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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