On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He did a backflip because drugs
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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