Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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