Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
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