We're like a lot better than the average bears
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
