whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
