i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
