sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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