You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
