i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The Olympian is in my bed
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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