I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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