The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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