Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Randomize
