Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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