Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Randomize
