I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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