i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
