I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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