3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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