Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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